Now I know why Forevers are called Forevers

We spoke again after many months. I was so hesitant to call but then I somehow gathered some courage and just dialled your number.

It surprises me that even after years we connect naturally. It is almost like we slept wishing good night last night. Do you feel the same, too?

I can’t exactly point out which part of the conversation or which of your monologue was it that triggered this but somehow I realised why I did fall in love with you and still love you more than all the people who walked in after months and years trying to figure out is this girl insane!

You and I get each other’s wildness as it is. And that’s beautiful and rare.
You know when you start putting the words like – I don’t know how to explain this and each time I have almost already got what you really want to say.
You completely get it when I say we have left a part of our existence in each other and tucked it somewhere so deep that only love knows the way to it. It has blended so well within us.

With every hit life gave us, we have become pragmatic and now we know that if things are beyond our control we just need to let it be patiently. And that there is beauty in that too.

They say communication is the key to every smooth relationship then how is it that still we get each other’s quotient so well without communicating? Mmm!

I didn’t know you remember all the names I would call you by.
Do you know that filter coffees are now my favourite and that I had issues having those for years and it seems now I can gulp it down my throat with memories each day.
And that piercing my nose is never going to be in my wish list.

The vague plans we still have of camping for 4-5 days trekking up to the north to unite with the nature cutting out the entire world, living in a tent and watching the sunrises and sunsets and yet I would found you to be more beautiful.

I wonder if you still have that favourite watch of yours? Or if you still need something sweet before bed?

Saying Missing you sounds stupid now. I have been doing that for years. It’s a way of life. 😉

So(ooooooo) That’s it..

Be my forever always.
We ll meet someday like my Imitiaz Ali’s movie narrates – “On the other side… ”

Love

PS : I think you know it that I have already loved you for a lifetime and more 🙂

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Here again..

To my forever,

Hi..

Its been 4 years and 5 months after we had to part ways as I write today.
Pushing through days..
I wont say I am still where you left me. People helped me to gather myself.
I am at a much better place.
Did I tell you I even tried to be in a relation but then I couldnt fake it anymore..
I had to tell him I am not being able to come in terms with loving you.

Each time you call, you wake up a part in me which wont go away soon.
You know what I fear the most of everything?
I have fallen in love with the idea of you and me and I am happy in my space remembering you..

I miss you. These three words dont gather a pinch of what I do feel without you.
I weep days and nights in a loop sometimes.
And some days I am so ok without you. Infact you don’t even cross my mind those days.

I still have to listen to your song most of the days.
Somedays I try to skip that song from my playlist but then I find myself going back and
listening to you.
I feel so lucky I have your sound to fill a void. It feels like you are talking to me.

How should I go ahead with marrying someone when I always feel I need you and you need me.
But then I realise why would you need me,ever?
I cannot pen down even a single reason why would you..!!

I think I should stop writing to you. What do you feel?
Everyone tease me, and it startles people when I say you are no where in my life anymore.
They dont believe there is love like ours that exists. I wonder why!

I miss you the most when dad gets angry with mom and I find myself looking at my knotted fingers and wondering I wish you were here to tell they are fine and I shouldnt judge them on their little fights.

Anyway, tell me how are you like with her? Are you good to her?
Do you take out time to make her feel special?
I found her picture cute enough to feel jealous of you both. I have even imagined how I would bump into you both someday and be really confident or grossly awkward!

It has to be sheer coincidence that amma is singing “thinking of you”!! I dont even know which song is it.
Does she know that I still love you..You would always tell she is the only one who understands us.
She asks me what to do I write? If I show these to her she will be shocked that I havent let you go yet..
Did I ever tell you that the first time I cried after you left was in front of her? And she let me be.
She patiently waited for my tears to slow down, my breathe to be normal and stroked my hair gently and whispered “its okay, but you have a whole life to live and love more ;)”

I had been on a date recently with this guy to a Mexican resto. He gave me a flower and called me “pretty lady”.
I just giggled.

That is it for today. I will write to you soon. I need to rush now. Everyone is waiting for me.

PS : I wish you could know I have already loved you for a lifetime and more. 🙂
(innum orkunnu njan..ennum orkunnu njan annu naam thammalil piriyum raavu)

Be glad for the person you are

Hello myself,

This one is a personalised letter so that you know that you are still special.

Yes even after doing all “that” you feel was shitty, stupid and unrequited, you are still special.
The things that you do are your emotions you emit so that it doesnt ruin your inner self because that is how you are.

The results you pretended to be fine with and yet had it pinch you somehwere within is also fine, as dad says there is only one thing no one can snatch from you, your courage. Let that courage be your pride.
The random proposal to the guy on a social media.. Yes I know you feel moronic for that but who knew how it would feel to connect to someone miles and poles apart. 
Wasnt that your first? Celebrate it! Yes even though he said an immediate “No”and there wasn’t a closure to your one month long conversations but still, celebrate it so that you always remember that it was the first time you spoke to a stranger with no fear. Celebrate your fearlessness.

We all do things so that we know if there could be a probable result which we intended of..

We just give it a fair try so that we dont end up cooking stories inside our head of “ifs”.

I know people and circumstances make you feel uneasy and uncomfortable but you need to find solace in that too.

It just that all are busy cleaning their mess, figuring out their thing or finding something unvarying that will stay. 

But nothing stays, we all know this yet our search in unending.

There can be no one who could know the person you are but you.

If you ask when will we find peace then guess what, if you could ask it to yourself then you already are at peace.

The peace, tranquility lies in these moments where you know you are alive and breathing, when there is a tear that trickled down your eye when you saw your country winning, in that heartfelt smile when you hold a baby, when you see that Italian girl in your campus asking for your help, while having a hot cup of tea with your friend. These are the moments we live for..

No matter how may times you discuss or  converse about some things, things neither get better nor get worse. Its a mind game. 

Take your chances, may be you will bloom when the autumn of your life arrives.

Till then, let the weather change and allow yourself to sink into experiences, knowledge and love.

Dont be so harsh on yourself, you are just a normal human being.

If there are two voices inside your head about the exact same thing, then agree to the one which wants to take care of you. And the rest will be done by itself.

Life is normal, take care of what’s on your plate. We will figure out the tomorrows when it comes. And for now just smile for the wonderful person you are!!

A bit more bigger and broader smile, I mean! 😀 

Love always

Sorry

​A SORRY

For the nights she cried to sleep

For the nights he let her thoughts off through that puff

For the days she thought he was her Chandler

For the days he thought it would work out only with her

When her evenings went by waiting for him over a coffee

When he skipped cafe meetings to not miss her

For every time she would get dressed to look her best to steal all his attention

For every time he wouldn’t be clean shaven because she loved the harshness of his stubble when their cheeks brushed

For the walks she would miss with his fingers encircling her palm

For the rides he missed having when she carelessly would rest her head on his shoulder

For every time they clinched their teeth for all they wanted was to share that one last kiss.A kiss they would never want to last.

But for their “every” that won’t happen ever, all that we have to offer is,

A Sorry!!

A word to express we try to understand,

An emotion to say we know it hurts

And though you both found peace in these quite moments

We are Sorry for the world which pulled you both down!

We are Sorry for every moment that we snatched away from you.

We had no right but we lead on you both to a world full of people who dont celebrate love.

And all we have to say is

We are just “Sorry”

Acceptance


​Mumbai was recovering from the over pour of the rainy season, I hadn’t seen dad since a month. He was on an official tour. Amma and Sharu had started the packing for their Kerala visit to attend a wedding and do bits of Sharu’s wedding shopping.

I was on my way to my Institute to revalidate my registration.I had my work at BKC, Bandra, a place I no longer recognise as I write this.

I had completed my work at the Institute within an hour and since I had some time, I thought I would take a walk to the station which was 15 minutes from our Institute. I was passing through some offices of the top Corporate Houses in Mumbai when I noticed him. At the beginning I wasn’t sure if it was him as I was told he had relocated to the capital city for a job.

But then a few more glances and I was sure it was him sitting on that couch with his legs spread and sipping a drink from his cup. 

My heart started pounding faster.. First I thought I would just get away soon from there before he looks out and recognises me. But then something in me just let myself get into that coffee shop and just bump into him and say a “hello”

When I greeted him, the girl sitting opposite him was someone I could recognise very easily by face. It was her. Diksha. I had seen many pictures of her when he had initially broken the news to me that he was going to marry her.

Very politely she asked me to join them and though I didn’t want to but I just pulled the chair and ordered a cappacino.I noticed her big round eyes with too much kohl rubbed on them.

He was still recovering from the fact that he saw me. I knew each expression his face could expound. Years and decades are just numbers when you meet someone from the past and realise how funny emotions can get.

Thankfully Diksha  broke my turbulent thoughts introducing herself. I gave a cordial nod than the situation demanded, I sigh as I remember that.

Then we slowly picked up from academics, jobs, places, and finally to life.I am not sure if she knew me but she noticed every expression of mine carefully. Very observant.

I could not feel any pain I had anticipated when I would think about seeing them together. It was normal , may be normal is an understated word to say. It was pretty good.

As I walked out of the coffee shop that afternoon I realised how much I still loved him yet was so accepting that some people are meant to cross your life momentarily but leave an impact forever.

Acceptance is a word easy to pronounce but it takes forever before we start to accept situations the way they are.

No matter how difficult it is, accepting things and life the way they are and making peace with that is good.Good for us.

A letter I wouldn’t ever be able to give you..

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To my forever,

I am in love with you,
With every moment I think about you,
Every little thing that reminds me of you,
for time doesn’t wait..
neither for me nor for you
and these moments let me sink deep into a world
where you and I are imperfectly perfect for each other

where my skin touches yours
and our fingers entangled forever
where our nights are filled with insomnia
yet mornings filled with energy

life looks so short
every moment is becoming a memory
decades of anniversaries
decades of birthdays

our baby girl has her own baby now
our baby boy is now a father
yet you look at me like we just met yesterday
you should know I have grey locks now
I am getting older , yes so are you

but I am in love with you
since a time in the past until a time forever
are these years to be counted?
for all this just looks like a beautiful dream

if they say there is a word “complete”
then “you and I” would be what it means

when we go away our last wishes also would be “us”
for we belong only to each other
since a time in the past until a time forever..

 

(PS: I wish you could know I have already loved you for a lifetime and more)